From My Journal......A Regular Girl? hahaha

I don't really know what to say. I feel like I am cracking. I am trying so hard, being so good, doing so much, and I don't see a light at the end of this.
I don't see how I helped my family. I mean, things are crazy so I wonder how much worse they'd be if I was not doing all that I am doing....
Another thing that has been bothering me: Most of the time, when I give my parents money, it is in ways that they don't know about. It is so hard and so embarrassing for my father, who is still a proud business man inside, to take money from his own kids. So I give it in ways that my parents don't know I gave it, such as buying groceries, filling the car with gas, and buying clothes/shoes for my little siblings. You might wonder how my parents don't know about all this money I spend on them, but trust me, their finances are so messed up that they really don't question anything right now.
So what is the problem, you might ask? Well, I did a little calculating and I am barely putting any money in the bank. And believe me, I work really hard and I make more money than most girls my age. The amount of money I have spent on my parents and family in the past few months is outrageous.
When people ask me why I am saving up all my money now I say that it is so I can marry a big talmid chocham and he can learn for a very long time. So one person commented to me: "Why are you so into it? You are not any different than any other girl who wants to marry a learning boy!" Inwardly, I was laughing, rejoicing that I manage to convey an image of a perfect life to the outside world. But I began thinking. I am different than most other girls who want to marry a learning boy. Firstly, do most girls give away about 80-90 percent of their earnings to their family?
Leaving that aside, do most girls have to buy their own sheitels? Do most kallah's have to pay for all their furniture out of their own pocket? Do most kallahs buy all their kitchen equipment out of their savings? Do most kallahs pay the shadchunis gelt from their own money? Do most kallah's have to worry about how they are going to pay for the whole wedding?
So yes, I am saving up my money like crazy now. No, I am not crazy. Yes, I have to worry about a lot more than most girls when it comes to money. No, I am not money hungry. Yes, I think it would be nice to haver the things that you have. No, I don't think I will ever have them.
I am sorry if I sound like I am complaining a lot. i keep trying to remind myself that Hashem WANTS there to be limud torah in His world and if He is putting all these roadblocks in my way then it is just so I should get more schar for the limud torah that my husband does do.

And then you combine all these thoughts and worries with the fact that they have recently filed foreclosure on our house. My parents no longer talk about forclosure as a matter of "if" rather a manner of "when".
I am so streessed out and worried. I wish I knew what the right thing to do is, what is the right way to act, the right way to lead my life.
I am finding it hard to deal with it, and continue on with life as usual. But I am pulling through. I know I can. If Hashem gave it to me, I CAN do it. It is just a matter of pulling myself together and remaining strong.

From My Journal......Old Habits Die Hard

You know the halacha that when you give someone tzedakah, you have to support them up to their standards, even if their standards are higher than yours?
I have often thought about this, as many people must. It doesn't seem fair. Once my family went onto the recieving end, I started to understand. From the "poor person's" perspective, they have to try to lower their standards of living, but from the perspective of the nosnim tzedakah, let me try to explain a bit. My father was at one point a very successful business man. My mother used to shop in the most exlusive frum boutiques, not because she is a fancy person who cared that much about fancy clothing but because she wanted to give parnassah to the shopkeepers, especially those who's husbands are in kollel... Honestly, we are not (were not) fancy people who need so much luxuries, but it happens that when you are not accustomed to watching how you spend, you find it hard to get yourself accustomed to it. Very hard. That is basically what is going on in my family. While we all know that money is a real problem, we are still struggling to pull ourselves out of our old spending habits. I am not justifying this. I am not saying we should spend more than the barest minimum, but I am trying to show you that there is a reason for this halacha (as there is for every halacha). I, personally have lowered my living standards tremendously, and I really am very frugal. But it is very hard. As they say, old habits die hard.

From My Journal......More On Foreclosure-does this make me obsessed?

I think part of what scares me about foreclosure is the publicity. EVERYONE knows when there is a foreclosure. It is one of those things that you hear about on the radio, as a statistic, but don't think about on a personal level. As someone once said "When one person dies it is a tragedy, when a million people die it is a statistic." I think it is similar with foreclosures, and financial distress in general. You hear about it on the radio, you read about it in the newspapers, but we don't think of it as people. Real people. Imagine someone looking through one of these "foreclosed homes" listings and seeing OUR home in it. The home where I and my siblings grew up. The home where my older sibling's vorts were. The home we lovingly and carefully decorated. The home we have all our memories in. OUR home. Imagine it in a list of foreclosed houses, a list which screams to the world "my owners couldn't meet their bills" My house has been used for so much chesed over the years. Countless people have found refuge in our house. Numerous shiurim have been held in our house. Parlor meetings were conducted in our house. School functions, choir practice, showers, purim parties....you name it. Anyone who needed, our house was always open. And now, all those hundreds of people who have been at our house for various reasons will also know. The XXXXX family couldn't pay the mortgage.
I'll admit. I am plain and simple embarrassed.
Then there is also the fact that I don't want to move. As much as I don't find it very warm at the moment, and I often find myself dreading it, it is my house (notice I didn't say home) and it is spacious. I have my own bedroom. I have space. We are not all over eachother. I can not imagine sharing a room with 3 sisters, while all of us are in the delicate emotional state we are in. We can barely be have a normal conversation, without fighting. How can we all be squeezed into a tiny house?

Again, these are pointless complaints. I KNOW Hashem has something special planned for us, and it will all be ok.
It's hard though.

From My Journal......Foreclosure Scares Me!

We had a rough time last week. Someone came to our house from the mortgage company. They wanted to discuss strategies to avoid forclosure. That freaked me out. My friend was really disturbed. She said I sounded worse than she can remember. Hashem is really testing my bitachon. I am trying so hard, I think I succeeded in overcoming the worries and Hashem reminds me that I have a lot to work on. I don't really know why forclosure scares me more than most things. I sort of panicked. My friend was up half the night on the phone with me... just listening.
*sigh*
Sometimes it seems like a black hole of despair, that there is no way out. I can't understand those who don't turn to Hashem in times of such desparation. There is nothing/nobody else that CAN help!

From My Journal....Kollel?

With regard to kollel, I had to thing long and hard as to whether I was up to such a thing.
My parents are rather against it (most likely because they are traumatized by money problems and don't want their children to suffer like they do). I realized though, that this is L'sheim Shamayim, and that Hashem helps those who sacrifice for Torah.
In fact, the lesson that I learned from my situation is that parnassah is uncertain and only from Hashem. Who would have thought, especially at the peak of my father's success, that we would ever be in such a situation? Marrying a business man is not a guarantee for money in this world, but marrying someone who is in the "business" of limud torah is a guarantee for schar in the world to come. I feel very strongly about this, and will therefore only consider a shiduch with someone who is in yeshivah full time.
My parents feel that with everything that is going against me in shiduchim (in terms of my family situation) I should be more open to shiduch suggestions. I am open. I am open to boys with problems, medical problems, family problems... I am open to ba'alei teshuvah, I am open to all kinds of boys, yet one thing I insist on is that he be a ben torah, a full time yeshivah student. I don't want this for my personal enjoyment, and therefore I hope that I am deserving of this.

The Letter That Started It All

We live on your block.
We are your collegues, your classmates.
We are the people in line behind you at the grocery store.
We are REGULAR people who are living a double life.
On one side, we appear to be a normal family, dealing with the regular issues that crop up in our lives. On the other side though, the hidden side, we are a family falling to peices. We are a family that is being torn apart slowly, bit by bit, day by day.
Those letters come in the mail:
"...A successful business man whose fortune turned..."
"...A loving father who was struck down by a teribble ilness..."
"...A chashuva man in our community with many daughters to marry off..."
"...A young woman, tragicallly left a widow, with 6 young orphans to support..."
They often find their way into the trash, unopened. We read them from the comfort and security of our beautiful homes. We don't want to mess up our peacefull days with thoughts of situations that are less than pleasant. Sorry to bust your bubble of security but it is time for the truth to be known.
Let me tell you what financial crisis means to a family. Financial crisis goes so much deeper than worries over how the next mortgage payment will be paid, how much longer we can stall the electric company before they shut off our electricity (again), what to tell the kids who want to know why they can't get new clothing and shoes like all the kids in their class, how to marry off the shidduch age children. Financial crisis tears at the roots and stability of a family.
Let me tell you our story.
My father was a prosperous business man. About 6 years ago, the wheel of fortune turned, and overnight, my father lost everything he had.
About 4 months ago, after years of living off of, first savings, then borrowed money, my parents were forced into the terrible conclusion. They had no income, no savings, and no line of credit. With collectors calling at all hours of the day, our electricity shut off twice, and no money on the horizon, my parents were forced to turn to the only avenue open to people in as much debt as them: Tzedakah.
Imagine what this did to the self esteem of a man who had given hundreds of thousands of dollars to tzedakah, to go out and litterally BEG others for money. It is the dictionary definition of pathetic, watching my father as he tries so hard to maintain a front of long-forgotten dignity. He is a ruined man. My mother also, is so paralyzed by fear (and don't judge her, you can't imagine the gut renching fear we face on a daily basis) she can not cope. Literally. My house is falling to peices, both from the repairs it needs that we can not afford, and because everyone is simply too wrapped up in worries to do anything beyond the basic survival needs.
We have gone from a harmonious family, that got along nicely, with a well run house, to a fighting family. Fighting both among ourselves and for our survival. You can not imagine what it feels like for a girl who is at the age of shidduchim to go to sleep at night wondering when will she loose her house? Who will go out with a girl who's family has no money? How can we pay for a wedding when we can not even pay for our groceries? Am I destined to be single forever? How can I even save up for my own wedding when all the money I earn in my job is going to pay for my family's neccesities?
Lately, I have been unable to sleep at night. When I do fall asleep, my dreams are restless, full of uncertainty, financial instability. Are you understanding me? When we discuss Financial crisis, we are not talking about merely a lack of money. We are talking about lack of stability, lack of security. We are talking about an entire family forced onto an emotional roller coaster. We are talking about children who go to sleep at night wondering what they will say to their friends when they come to school with torn shoes. Worse, we are talking about mothers who DON'T go to sleep at night because they are worrying about their kids, their home, their marriage, their family. We are talking about a friend staying up with me for an entire night as I cry that our family's electricity was shut off. We are talking about myself, my older brother and my younger sister who need to somehow be married off, with absolutely no resources with which to do it. We are talking about a family who has 6 years separating them from their last memory of peace of mind. We are talking about real people. Fathers. Mothers. Children. Sisters. Brothers. Your friends. Regular people.
Why am I writing this letter? I am writing this letter to make you aware of what goes on behind those tzedakah letters you recieve. I know that most people are not in the position to give a significant contribution to each cause that sends them a letter. I am therefore asking you that next time you recieve a tzedakah letter (and prefferably each time thereafter) you should close your eyes, and try to picture the situation of the family they describe. Then, you should say a personal tefillah to hashem, that a)you have financial security, you don't need "matnas basar v'dam", and b) Say a tefilla to Hashem, ask him to help the family in the letter, Hashem is the "nosein lechem L'chol basar" and he is the only one who can help, so please, Daven for me, for my family, for all of Klal Yisroel who is suffering through this "financial crisis".
Signed, a REGULAR girl, who is suffering tremendously.