wings of my own

the airport is
a busy place
full of people
busy
running
rushing
to a far away
destination

the planes take off
they soar
high
into the sky
moving
upward
and onward
carrying
dozens of people
to a new place
a new life

watching
the scene
makes me sad
for I know
that
here I am
just me
by myself
lonely and stuck
in today
in yesterday
in the steep
downward spiral
of mundane
activities
of mind-numbing
endeavors

its a reality
rooted
in the hopelessness
that surrounds me
it is grounded
in the unrest
that threatens
to engulf
my being

but yet
I hold on tight
to the dream
to the hope
to the knowledge
that one day
I too
will spread my wings
and fly

fly...
to a better tomorrow

U'Teshuvah, U'Teffilah, U'Tzedaka...

On Rosh Hashanah, when the ba'al tefilah began to chant the heart wrenching words of Unesaneh Tokef, a lot of cries could be heard in the shul. Countless faces were buried in tear stained machzorim as the chazan proclaimed: "b'rosh hashanah yikasevu....mi yichye umi
yamus..." And then, the words came, the ones that peirced my soul, and simultaneously gave me hope.

I wonder if an outside observer, who knew nothing about my family would have been able to see a difference. There we were, myself, my mother and all of my sisters, simply standing there in a row, heads buried in our machzorim. Yet, as those words were uttered, "mi ye'ani umi ye'asher," no doubt I wasn't the only one with my shoulders shaking, reaching for a tissue from behind the privacy of my machzor. From the sounds I heard from the sisters on each side of me, I knew it wasn't only me for whom this concept hit home.

Yes, the other things listed in Unesane Tokef are far worse, far more tragic than "mi ye'ani," but after all, chazal say that ani chashuv kemeis, a poor person is like a dead person. It is from personal experience that I tell you that there is a good reason behind that.

Being poor is, as readers of this blog know, not about simply lacking material things. It's about emotions, fear, lack of stability. It's about lack of pride. It's about lack of certainty. Lack of peace of mind. Lack of peace in the house.

I don't have all that much to say about "mi ye'ani" that hasn't already been written here, but one thing both scares me and gives me hope: "mi ye'ani umi ye'asher." Last year, we were on the "mi ye'ani" side of it. But, as we all know, this rosh hashana, there is a new judgement, and now, we all have the same chance of being rich. My neighbor might have millions in the bank, yet this year, we have as much of a chance of "mi ye'asher" as he does.

Are you scared? Do you realize that it could be you next year? Do you want to know what to do? Look a little further in the machzor....


U'Teshuvah, U'Tefilah, U'Tzadakah....ma'avirin es ro'ah hagezeirah. Tzedaka is so important, so vital. Not just for those getting it, who will stay in the light, under a roof, and have food on yom tov, but for you also. This is one of the three things you need to do in order to break any harsh decrees.

In case it sounds like I am making an appeal for my family, I wouldn't do that. I'm asking, for your sake, please take out your credit card and call your local tomchei shabbos. Call your local tzedaka organization, a local yeshivah. Give tzedakah.....we all know, it saves lives!

Rosh Hashana Lessons

I left work sad and upset.

With everything else going on in my life, the last thing I need now is problems at my job. Just one month ago, my position was invincible, my salary was excellent, I felt so confident about my job. It's hard to believe how quickly things have deteriorated. In a relatively short time, the company ran into problems, my salary was cut, and my supervisor, possibly as a result of stress, has been treating those of us working under her....pretty badly.

So I sit here, thinking of my uncertain future, thinking of how awful it is to be searching for a job, thinking of how quickly those fanciful castles I've built in the air have crashed forcefully to the ground.

How could I have speculated on salary? How could I have ever dreamed that I knew what lay ahead, and that things were settled?

And then, suddenly, I realized how incredibly lucky I am. When davening this Rosh Hashanah, I doubt anybody would say that I'm anything but painfully aware of the need to daven for parnassah. After all, lack of money for even the basics is beyond believable to me. It's my reality.

But-

With a very well paying job, where I was happy and treated well, would I have been as aware of the need to daven for my personal parnassah? Can a person who is slated to make a really nice salary in a great job really have kavanah when davening for a job, regardless of where their salary goes?

Imagine, if I had gone into Rosh Hashanah feeling as complacent about my job as I did so recently. Would I have begged Hashem for a good job where I will be happy, content and appreciated?

And then, I realized the incredible lesson that Hashem had taught me. One might have a good job today, but look how quickly it can deteriorate! One might have a lot of money in the bank, in stocks, in investments, but look how easily he can lose it all! One might have a successful business, but look how easily it can all turn to dust....

Now, with the close proximity to Rosh Hashanah, I am reminded, as strongly as a person can be, we must beg, plead, beseach Hakadosh Baruch Hu, ask Him to give us banei, chayei, umezonei. We remember that nothing is guaranteed. We might think it's all under wraps, but that was last year. This is a new year, a new judgement, a new page in the book of our lives.

Nothing is guaranteed. A person who had a good job last year needs to beg Hashem that He will have a good job this year. A person that had a lot of savings last year has to beg Hashem that he will have them again this year. A beautiful house? Beg Hashem! Trust me, it's easily lost. And it's not only money. You think you're healthy? Perhaps you have others in mind when saying "Avinu malkeinu, shlach refuah sheleima lecholei amecha." Do you realize, that could be you? Good health is an enormous bracha, one we have to daven for.

Think of the horrible tragedies that took place over the last year. All those people who lost their lives. Do you think that they expected to? Do you realize that life is the most basic thing we have, yet we have to daven for it this Rosh Hashanah?

All of the good in our lives, and even our lives themselves, are things that Hashem, in His infinite goodness and mercy, granted to us last Rosh Hashanah. And now, it's a new year, a new start, a new chance to daven....

In case anyone found the above discouraging, let me point out the flip side. A person can think that things are so bleak, so hopeless, and yet, here they are, presented with a totally fresh chance to daven for a turnaround. For example, a girl I know, quite a few years older than me, was single last year. I am sure that she shed a lot of tears on Rosh Hashana, asking Hashem to send her bashert. This year, I am sure she also has a lot to daven for, after all, she has her husband and her unborn child to think about.... Yet to think, that last year, it looked so bleak, and now, there has been such an astonishing reversal.

And so, to all of my readers, I wish a kesivah vechasima tovah, a gut gebentched yur, and Hashem should answer all of your teffilos for good. May the coming year bring yeshuos, nechamos, simcha, mazel, bracha, brius, parnassa, and geulah for klal yisroel.

Daven well my friends, daven well.