From My Journal...Pesach is rough!

I am not so sure if my father's stalling on the foreclosure is so great. I mean, I definitely don't want to move, but we aint getting richer and I don't really know if there is what to stall for...other than me and my other shiduch age siblings getting married off. It's not easy...

Having a husband in kollel or being in kollel is not for everyone. I think what matters is if you work and you happen to be a jew and do mitzvos and learn or if you learn torah and do mitzvos but you are forced to work to earn a living. And there has to be someone who is going to work and support the lomdei torah.
One thing i have to tell you though is that no job is a guarantee for lots of money. I know a family where the father is a doctor who graduated from a top medical school. Everyone had high hopes for him becoming a world renowned specialist. Somehow though, he never made it and he wound up doing a little this and a little that. I think he is actually in kollel. Meanwhile, the mother, who never went to college, has no degree of any sort, worked in a particular company for years and years and got promoted to the top. She is now making a big salary and supporting the family comfortably on it. The moral: It matters not how many years you went to school, or what your degree or qualifications are. What matters is whether or not Hashem wants you to have money. Trust me. If it went by degrees, experience or brains my father would be a very rich man right now. (As he was for many years.)

I wish I was as amazing as people think. Just last night I asked my friend if you give tzedakah because you feel you have to and not because you want to, do you still get schar for it? It's not that I don't want to give money, it is just hard. I was working overtime the other day to try to make a few extra dollars. And while I was there I couldn't help but feel a little down. I am working so hard and I don't have what to show for it. I mean, If I were to get engaged today, I wouldn't even have the money I need to buy the basics (kitchen things, sheitels, a car...). So, YA. am worried. And stressed. And overtired. Since I last week I spent 600 dollars on groceries, then I spent another 300 dollars. And that is not even counting the money I spent last week on clothes for my siblings. I have this pit in my stomach that won't go away. It's a nervous thing, and I know it well by now. It has been occasional in the past, but lately it's been constant.
And in case I thought pesach was expensive, someone in my family smashed up one of our cars today. Not a good time for that to happen, but....

My sister is so shallow. Basically it's like this. I just realized that most girls don't save up so much money. She spends it on gold jewelery, 300 dollar outfits..... I spend it on food, clothing.... But if you forget what it's spent on, it all amounts to the same thing.
And in a few years (months) when the stuff she bought goes out of style, she will forget about all that money, not reap any benifit from it. Me on the other hand did it in a kind of "savings" plan. I put the enjoyment that I get out of this money away for the next world.

Here I go...complaing AGAIN...I am having a rough time. I am too young and inexperienced to be feeling such financial pressures. My friend was telling me that I have to stop piling all these trouble on my own head but I don't think I can live any other way. I get very upset and nervous when things are not being dealt with, and my parents simply don't deal with things. When April 15th came I had to BEG my parents to file an extension because they hadn't done their taxes. I can't see things like this. I need things to be dealt with and calm.