From My Journal......A Regular Girl? hahaha

I don't really know what to say. I feel like I am cracking. I am trying so hard, being so good, doing so much, and I don't see a light at the end of this.
I don't see how I helped my family. I mean, things are crazy so I wonder how much worse they'd be if I was not doing all that I am doing....
Another thing that has been bothering me: Most of the time, when I give my parents money, it is in ways that they don't know about. It is so hard and so embarrassing for my father, who is still a proud business man inside, to take money from his own kids. So I give it in ways that my parents don't know I gave it, such as buying groceries, filling the car with gas, and buying clothes/shoes for my little siblings. You might wonder how my parents don't know about all this money I spend on them, but trust me, their finances are so messed up that they really don't question anything right now.
So what is the problem, you might ask? Well, I did a little calculating and I am barely putting any money in the bank. And believe me, I work really hard and I make more money than most girls my age. The amount of money I have spent on my parents and family in the past few months is outrageous.
When people ask me why I am saving up all my money now I say that it is so I can marry a big talmid chocham and he can learn for a very long time. So one person commented to me: "Why are you so into it? You are not any different than any other girl who wants to marry a learning boy!" Inwardly, I was laughing, rejoicing that I manage to convey an image of a perfect life to the outside world. But I began thinking. I am different than most other girls who want to marry a learning boy. Firstly, do most girls give away about 80-90 percent of their earnings to their family?
Leaving that aside, do most girls have to buy their own sheitels? Do most kallah's have to pay for all their furniture out of their own pocket? Do most kallahs buy all their kitchen equipment out of their savings? Do most kallahs pay the shadchunis gelt from their own money? Do most kallah's have to worry about how they are going to pay for the whole wedding?
So yes, I am saving up my money like crazy now. No, I am not crazy. Yes, I have to worry about a lot more than most girls when it comes to money. No, I am not money hungry. Yes, I think it would be nice to haver the things that you have. No, I don't think I will ever have them.
I am sorry if I sound like I am complaining a lot. i keep trying to remind myself that Hashem WANTS there to be limud torah in His world and if He is putting all these roadblocks in my way then it is just so I should get more schar for the limud torah that my husband does do.

And then you combine all these thoughts and worries with the fact that they have recently filed foreclosure on our house. My parents no longer talk about forclosure as a matter of "if" rather a manner of "when".
I am so streessed out and worried. I wish I knew what the right thing to do is, what is the right way to act, the right way to lead my life.
I am finding it hard to deal with it, and continue on with life as usual. But I am pulling through. I know I can. If Hashem gave it to me, I CAN do it. It is just a matter of pulling myself together and remaining strong.

From My Journal......Old Habits Die Hard

You know the halacha that when you give someone tzedakah, you have to support them up to their standards, even if their standards are higher than yours?
I have often thought about this, as many people must. It doesn't seem fair. Once my family went onto the recieving end, I started to understand. From the "poor person's" perspective, they have to try to lower their standards of living, but from the perspective of the nosnim tzedakah, let me try to explain a bit. My father was at one point a very successful business man. My mother used to shop in the most exlusive frum boutiques, not because she is a fancy person who cared that much about fancy clothing but because she wanted to give parnassah to the shopkeepers, especially those who's husbands are in kollel... Honestly, we are not (were not) fancy people who need so much luxuries, but it happens that when you are not accustomed to watching how you spend, you find it hard to get yourself accustomed to it. Very hard. That is basically what is going on in my family. While we all know that money is a real problem, we are still struggling to pull ourselves out of our old spending habits. I am not justifying this. I am not saying we should spend more than the barest minimum, but I am trying to show you that there is a reason for this halacha (as there is for every halacha). I, personally have lowered my living standards tremendously, and I really am very frugal. But it is very hard. As they say, old habits die hard.

From My Journal......More On Foreclosure-does this make me obsessed?

I think part of what scares me about foreclosure is the publicity. EVERYONE knows when there is a foreclosure. It is one of those things that you hear about on the radio, as a statistic, but don't think about on a personal level. As someone once said "When one person dies it is a tragedy, when a million people die it is a statistic." I think it is similar with foreclosures, and financial distress in general. You hear about it on the radio, you read about it in the newspapers, but we don't think of it as people. Real people. Imagine someone looking through one of these "foreclosed homes" listings and seeing OUR home in it. The home where I and my siblings grew up. The home where my older sibling's vorts were. The home we lovingly and carefully decorated. The home we have all our memories in. OUR home. Imagine it in a list of foreclosed houses, a list which screams to the world "my owners couldn't meet their bills" My house has been used for so much chesed over the years. Countless people have found refuge in our house. Numerous shiurim have been held in our house. Parlor meetings were conducted in our house. School functions, choir practice, showers, purim parties....you name it. Anyone who needed, our house was always open. And now, all those hundreds of people who have been at our house for various reasons will also know. The XXXXX family couldn't pay the mortgage.
I'll admit. I am plain and simple embarrassed.
Then there is also the fact that I don't want to move. As much as I don't find it very warm at the moment, and I often find myself dreading it, it is my house (notice I didn't say home) and it is spacious. I have my own bedroom. I have space. We are not all over eachother. I can not imagine sharing a room with 3 sisters, while all of us are in the delicate emotional state we are in. We can barely be have a normal conversation, without fighting. How can we all be squeezed into a tiny house?

Again, these are pointless complaints. I KNOW Hashem has something special planned for us, and it will all be ok.
It's hard though.

From My Journal......Foreclosure Scares Me!

We had a rough time last week. Someone came to our house from the mortgage company. They wanted to discuss strategies to avoid forclosure. That freaked me out. My friend was really disturbed. She said I sounded worse than she can remember. Hashem is really testing my bitachon. I am trying so hard, I think I succeeded in overcoming the worries and Hashem reminds me that I have a lot to work on. I don't really know why forclosure scares me more than most things. I sort of panicked. My friend was up half the night on the phone with me... just listening.
*sigh*
Sometimes it seems like a black hole of despair, that there is no way out. I can't understand those who don't turn to Hashem in times of such desparation. There is nothing/nobody else that CAN help!