I don't see how I helped my family. I mean, things are crazy so I wonder how much worse they'd be if I was not doing all that I am doing....
Another thing that has been bothering me: Most of the time, when I give my parents money, it is in ways that they don't know about. It is so hard and so embarrassing for my father, who is still a proud business man inside, to take money from his own kids. So I give it in ways that my parents don't know I gave it, such as buying groceries, filling the car with gas, and buying clothes/shoes for my little siblings. You might wonder how my parents don't know about all this money I spend on them, but trust me, their finances are so messed up that they really don't question anything right now.
So what is the problem, you might ask? Well, I did a little calculating and I am barely putting any money in the bank. And believe me, I work really hard and I make more money than most girls my age. The amount of money I have spent on my parents and family in the past few months is outrageous.
When people ask me why I am saving up all my money now I say that it is so I can marry a big talmid chocham and he can learn for a very long time. So one person commented to me: "Why are you so into it? You are not any different than any other girl who wants to marry a learning boy!" Inwardly, I was laughing, rejoicing that I manage to convey an image of a perfect life to the outside world. But I began thinking. I am different than most other girls who want to marry a learning boy. Firstly, do most girls give away about 80-90 percent of their earnings to their family?
Leaving that aside, do most girls have to buy their own sheitels? Do most kallah's have to pay for all their furniture out of their own pocket? Do most kallahs buy all their kitchen equipment out of their savings? Do most kallahs pay the shadchunis gelt from their own money? Do most kallah's have to worry about how they are going to pay for the whole wedding?
So yes, I am saving up my money like crazy now. No, I am not crazy. Yes, I have to worry about a lot more than most girls when it comes to money. No, I am not money hungry. Yes, I think it would be nice to haver the things that you have. No, I don't think I will ever have them.
I am sorry if I sound like I am complaining a lot. i keep trying to remind myself that Hashem WANTS there to be limud torah in His world and if He is putting all these roadblocks in my way then it is just so I should get more schar for the limud torah that my husband does do.
And then you combine all these thoughts and worries with the fact that they have recently filed foreclosure on our house. My parents no longer talk about forclosure as a matter of "if" rather a manner of "when".
I am so streessed out and worried. I wish I knew what the right thing to do is, what is the right way to act, the right way to lead my life.
I am finding it hard to deal with it, and continue on with life as usual. But I am pulling through. I know I can. If Hashem gave it to me, I CAN do it. It is just a matter of pulling myself together and remaining strong.
1 comment:
My parents were also very poor when I got married. My mother found many gemachs that gave me 2 beds, towels, linens, food processer, silverware, dishes and gift certificates for hat stores and lingerie stores and a $300 credit towards a shaitel. She also found me a gemach for suits to wear for sheva brachos and also to keep. I know you are very worried about things but im"yh when you get married, you can look into these gemachs to help ease your burden. (Please note that I am reading your posts in chronological order so I don't know if your situation has changed since this post)
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