Sometimes I wish I could properly convey to you what it means to really be lacking in money, but I doubt I can.
You see...it is not about the surface hardships.
When I am standing in the grocery store, contemplating a box of crackers that costs 2 dollars, and I decide that it's not really a necessity, so I manage without my crackers...
its not about me, its not about crackers...
When I get my bank statement, and see that I am spending more than I deposit, though I deposit more than most girls do, because I work so hard...
its not about me, and its not about my bank account...
When my little sister moves her bed to a different part of her room, because there is a leak over the spot where her bed was...
its not about my sister, and its not about leaky roofs...
When we go to sleep in 83 degrees, despite an air conditioner that works perfectly, simply because we can't afford the extra electricity involved in turning it on...
its not about my family, and its not about the electricity bills...
When my little siblings stay home all summer rather than go to camp, because even day camp is simply out of our budgets...
its not about my little siblings, its not about camps tuition...
When I walk in my old and tattered shoes, and I feel every pebble on the ground...
its not about me, and its not about my shoes...
When my mother is scared to look at the mail because she knows its all a bunch of bills that she can't afford to pay...
its not about my mother, and its not about the mail...
When nobody wants to pick up the phone because we know that it is most likely a nasty and pushy collection agency, so we miss important calls from our friends...
its not about us, and its not about the phone calls...
When my family finishes supper and we are all almost, but not quite full...
its not about my family and its not about the supper...
When a meshulach comes to the door and my father turns them away, saying "I don't have", and he means it, more than the meshulach can imagine...
its not about my father, and its not about the meshulach...
When the washing machine barely works and we have to hope and pray that it won't stop in the middle of a load, yet we don't dream of fixing it or replacing it...
its not about us and its not about the laundry...
When we wash our dishes by hand and put them into the broken dishwashers, which now serve as dish racks...
its not about us and its not about dishes...
When we go out to buy more buckets, because there is a forecast for a massive storm, and each one disintegrates our roof a little more...
its not about us and its not about buckets...
When my mother is mistreated at work but is afraid to stick up for herself because she can't afford to lose her job or take a pay cut...
its not about my mother and its not about her job...
When me or my siblings go on a date and my parents smile but inside they groan because they have absolutely no way to pay for a wedding...
its not about my parents and its not about wedding expenses...
When my friend calls me and asks me to go out with her, but I have to say no because I am working late...
its not about me, and its not about my work schedule...
When my father is sick but doesn't go to the doctor because he doesn't have the $20 for the copay...
its not about my father and its not about the copay...
When I go to sleep kind of hungry, but not wanting to eat anymore because I can manage without it...
its not about me and its not about hunger...
When the door falls off of our kitchen cabinet, and we smile and put it in the storage room with the other broken doors and handles that we can't afford to fix...
its not about us and its not about doors or handles...
When friends discuss their new clothes, shoes and jewelry, and I know that I won't be getting any of it for a while...
its not about me and its not about new clothes...
When I know I should send my skirt to the cleaners to be cleaned and pressed, but I decide to spot clean it and then iron it to save the money...
its not about me and its not about my skirt...
When a box comes from tomchei shabbos and nobody wants to look at it, much less eat what's inside...
its not about us and its not about the box...
But when everyone is fighting, and everyone is tense, and everyone is upset at everyone else...
I realize that its about a family....in distress...
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4 comments:
there can't be just bad stuff. there has to be something good that you didn't show here....
Yeah, that's pretty sucky man, but like you say it really gives you a much more mature perspective on things than all your peers have.
I personally kind of know what you're going through; for varying reasons I've been literally peniless for years. It is a huge bummer, especially for someone in their early twenties. And it's not so much myself that I'm worried about, but more in regards to "shidduchim"- I lack a few "dating necessities"; for example my lack of a car (I think most girls would consider that pretty strange here in America) and just a reasonable amount of expendable funds has been restricting me from "going out" for a long while now..(hopefully that'll turn around soon. ..for you as well obviously).
I so so wish I had something to say............
....but I have no words for you...
Just remember that this is all part of His plan...none of this makes sense here, but it sure makes sense to Him.......
Be strong, my dear.
(((hug)))
You have incredible insight and may the wheel of fortune soon turn again for you and your family. It really makes me appreciate all that I have.
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