The Impact Of Your Actions

Someone did something to my father that will cost him a lot of money. This is money that he doesn't have. It is money he will have to lower
himself further to raise.

Now, this man who did it...he had no idea what he was doing. He never dreamed that he was causing pain and anguish to my father, who already has more bills than he can pay for. He had no idea that my family is in dire financial straights. He never dreamed that my father would lose so much sleep over "just" a few thousand dollars. He simply didn't know.

If he had known what kind of ripple effect his actions would have, I like to think that he would not have done what he did. But he didn't know. And that got me thinking. Do we ever know the far reaching effects of our actions?

Maybe that girl who I criticized has a low self esteem problem. Maybe my thoughtless remark pushed her into a shell that she would take years to get out of. If I had known that, would I have done it?

Maybe when I made fun of one girl to another girl, that was the final straw that ended their friendship. Maybe that friendship was very beneficial to them, but now it's over. Thanks to me. If I had known that, would I have said it?

You never know if your comment can be the final straw in a marriage, or the thing that pushes someone off the derech, or any other far reaching effect. And that is why we have to be so careful. There is no such thing as an insignificant action. Every thing you do had a ripple effect. Some might be bigger than others, but the ripple is there.

Hopefully the zechus of being more careful, of trying hard not to hurt other people, even in "insignificant" ways, will bring some much needed yeshuos to klal yisroel.

He Packed My Suitcase

I already mentioned the comforting imagery of imagining yourself in the warm, loving embrace of the Best and most Powerful Father possible.

Now I want to take it a step further. Imagine your Father is sending you on a long and ardous journey. He wants your success more than anything. The journey after all, is for the purpose of accomplishing something for Him. So, in order to help you succeed, he prepares as much information and supplies as you will need for the trip.

Imagine, the loving Father, tucking some last minute things into your suitcase, trying to ensure that you have everything you need.

And so you set off.

Along your journey, you start to notice that there are so many things you never would have thought to bring along, that are in your suitcase. Things you never knew you needed, yet things you never would have managed without.

It is then that you begin to realize the wisdom of your Father. He may have sent you on this trip, but you are not alone. You have His guidance, through His instructions, and through the suitcase full of supplies that He packed, especially for you. And therefore you know that you are never alone.

All the talents you have, are simply tools that you need, that have been put in your suitcase, to ensure your success on your journey.

Taking this a step further, let's put our "pekelach" in life into those suitcases. Let's say that whatever pain I am forced to go though is a "medicine" that my Father put into my suitcase. It might taste bitter, and it might not be so enjoyable, but it's really just there to help me.

But I can't take your medicine.

It won't make me better. It will make me sicker. So comparing my medicine with your medicine is silly. My Father packed me exactly the medicines I will need to be healthy. And He packed you the ones you need.

Some times I start to feel silly complaining about the various things going on in my life when there are people who are suffering through, what I percieve to be, much greater suffering. But it's silly. I am going on a different journey, and I have a different suitcase, with different supplies, different medicines, different tools for success.

The bitterness of your medicine doesn't take away from the bitterness of mine.

But we really just have to remember that it's medicine. While it might be bitter, it's main purpose is to make us into better people.

Learning The Good-From The "Bad"

I might have have a leak on top of my head,
But it means I have a roof on top of my head.

I might have scruffy old shoes,
But it means I have feet to put into those shoes.

I might have less food than I want,
But it means I have enough food to live.

I might feel cold when we can't afford enough heat,
But it means my heart is warm.

I might feel like my parents don't do enough for me,
But it means I have parents.

I might work a lot of overtime hours,
But it means I have a great job that pays well.

I might have mold growing on the walls of my bedroom,
But it means I have my own bedroom.

I might hear people argue over money,
But it means I have working ears.

I might need a new outfit to wear to my friend's wedding,
But it means I have friends who's weddings I can attend.

I might not have a harmonious family,
But it means I have a family.

I might have an occasional bad day,
But it means I have many, many good ones...

No Need to Help Him

MAKE a Good Shabbos!

Shabbos can sometimes be stressful in my house. I was hoping to go away this week, (as an escape...) but I am needed at home, so I will stay.
A thought for the day:
People tell you to "Have a Good Shabbos" But what does that mean? Good days, good shabbossim, they dont happen. You make them. Whatever happens this shabbos, I have a choice. I can make it good, or I can make it not too good. Life is about making the best of your circumstances. So, to my readers, I say:
"Make an amazing shabbos!"

The Nisayon Of The Dor Hamidbar

Superficially, it seems like the Dor Hamidbar had it easy.
They didn't have to work. They didn't have to worry about providing for their families. Their food just rained down on them from heaven.

Yet, they were tested with the ultimate test of bitachon.
Imagine what they went through. Each night, they went to sleep with an empty pantry, with no food in the fridge. They had no concrete proof that the morning would come and they would find the mahn on the ground.
Yet they believed.
And He didn't disappoint them.

Those people faced a choice. They could have stayed up all night worrying about the lack of food, the lack of assurance...and they would have found the mahn in the morning.
Or they could have made the wise choice. They could have said to themselves "the mahn will be there in the morning. There is no point in worrying. It won't get me anywhere."....and the outcome would be the same.
They would also find mahn in the morning. But they gained a restful night of sleep.

I often feel that I am lucky to be tested in the way that Dor Hamidbar was. I don't know how my family will continue to manage. Al pi derech hatevah, there is no way it will work. Yet, it will. Because He is providing for us.

So I have no reason to worry and fret and lose sleep.
As they say: "Worrying is like sitting on a rocking chair. You go back and forth and forth and back, but you never actually get anywhere."

I am content to know that Hashem is taking care of me.
I am content to know that the mahn will be there in the morning.
And that is all I need to know.

Lucky? I say Loved!

When a person buys a house, they often take out a mortgage. What that means, is that although they think they own their house, the bank owns it. You make monthly payments to the bank, and they let you continue pretending that you own the house. It is all a game.
The trouble begins when the person can't meet their mortgage payments. After a while, the banks decide that they had enough, and they aren't going to play the game anymore. They are reclaiming the house that was really theirs all along. And so they file a lawsuit, saying they want to kick you out of your house for failure to make your mortgage payments.
It isn't pleasant to read about it in the newspapers, you don't think of it on a personal level. Imagine waking up one morning and seeing a sign on your neighbor's lawn that says "FORECLOSURE".
What?! You say. My neighbor's house was foreclosed? I never even knew they were having financial troubles!
You never knew? Shame it's too late, huh?

In my family, we understand the personal aspect of foreclosures. The original action was filed a couple of months ago, but they made a huge mistake in the filing. They filed two actions and each one had a signed statement saying that this was the only pending action on this particular property. So my father's lawyer (no, we don't have money for legal bills) got to work on this. And now it is a matter of stalling them.
They withdrew the action, and refiled it, with another, different mistake. Then, after a while, they sorted that mistake out, and made another.
Yesterday, my father's lawyer called him to say that they made another mistake. And then he said: "It's the fourth big mistake they made. It's hard to believe you can get so lucky."
Lucky? Hah! The lawyer is a yid, but obviously not a frum one, and doesn't understand. Even when Hashem is testing someone with a really tough nisayon, He helps them, protects them, gives them what they need. I don't know what the benefit of stalling it is, as I see foreclosure as inevitable. But obviously, there is a plan, a reason. Maybe indeed my father's business is destined to make a comeback, and we will have lots of money and be able to save the house. Who knows? After all, we all know: Yeshuas Hashem Keheref Ayin.
What I know is that we weren't lucky. Hashem is showing us that in the darkest of times, at the darkest of hours, in the hardest of situations, He is there, guiding us, holding our hand, and taking care of us. We are not lucky. We are in the loving embrace of Hashem.
And for now we are in our house, leaky roof, broken doors, mold, and all the rest. Because Hashem loves us, and this is where He wants us for now.

Ani Chashuv K'meis

My mother and I had a conversation today and this came up, I wrote it, from what she said:

background: the bookkeeper in her company went on vacation and the fill in bookkeeper made some mistakes and a bunch of paychecks were bounced, my mother's included

There is no way to describe the feeling. It was erev shabbos, my paycheck had bounced. I had no money in my account, it was in overdraw by over a thousand dollars. I didn't even have any cash in my wallet. I was literally penniless. I couldn't pay for anything. I didn't know how to make shabbos for my family. Suddenly, as the pit settled into my stomach and I felt worthless and helpless.
I now understood why a poor person is considered dead.



(I wasn't going to post this because it is very depressing. But this blog is thoughts running through my head and I can't get this one out.)

Operating At A Loss

(warning: depressing post. I guess I need to disprove all those people who have emailed me that I'm amazing and I'm strong....)

I got my tax return information yesterday. And it was seriously depressing. Last year, I made much more than I thought I made. Nice, huh?
Yeah right.
Currently, my bank account contains about 2 thousand dollars less than it did at this time last year. People some times tell me that they know of this bank offering CD's with great rates. Or a savings account with an awesome interest rate. But how should I tell them that I don't have any use for savings accounts?
Realize that I don't use all my money each week. I don't live paycheck to paycheck. Rather, I use whatever I need, as the need arises. Sometimes my bank account will swell up to a few thousand more than normal, and then suddenly my father will have a bunch of bills that he just can't pay. As embarrassing as it is for him, he has no choice but to ask me for a check. And so I pull out my checkbook, write out a check for $3,000 as if it's a check for $36 going to some organization. But it's not. It's a lot of money. It's for my father.
And I need to save for things like yomim tovim. Last pesach I spent thousands of dollars outfitting my whole family with new clothing, buying groceries, and things like that. So, while all of my money is not needed on a constant, day to day basis, I can't tie my money up in CD's. I need it in my checking account. I need to be able to tell my father that no matter what, he should ask me for the money to pay something, rather than let them shut off our electricity again. Or anything else.
And so, this year, I opperated at a loss. I spent more money than I earned. Despite the fact that I earned a lot. (Working as much overtime as my company allows pays off....)
As I prepare to file my tax return, I notice the irony. And as funny as this sounds, I come under a high tax bracket. Because the charity I give isn't tax deductible.
But I don't need savings accounts. I have a savings account up there.

Hard=Good

Another reason I started this blog, and decided to make it public, is because there is something I want to share with the world. This is actually the main reason I decided to share all of this.

This is an argument I constantly have with my sister. She feels that her life is so tough and she can't bare it. I tried to explain this to her, but despite my efforts she won't listen, she won't understand.

Yes, there are people out there who have a "perfect" life. Leaving aside the argument about what "perfect" means, let's say, for argument's sake, that she actually has a "perfect" life.
A nice family. A wealthy father. Pretty. Talented. Gorgeous house. Fun mother. Cute sisters. Well behaved brothers. I mean, seriously, you name it, she's got it. She is lacking nothing. Of course, pesach time she came home from seminary, got engaged to the top boy in Lakewood (whose father is among the wealthiest Jews in america), had a beautiful chasuna, moved into a stunning apartment, and has an adorable baby boy within a year after her chasunah. But I met this girl at a chasunah recently, and I couldn't help but feel that she is one of the most immature girls I've ever met. How could it be? This girl has been through life experiences I can't even fathom. A wedding. Marriage. Pregnancy. Child birth. Motherhood.
And I've been through none of that! So why am I calling her immature?
Because this girl doesn't seem to realize what life is all about. While I am sure this girl is an amazing wife, a model mother, she doesn't seem to understand the true meaning in life.
Assuming that life experience is measured in terms of accomplishments, in terms of overcoming hurdles and climbing mountains, I have seen much more of life than she has. Wouldn't you say that I'm luckier than she is? This girl doesn't have the same opportunities for growth that I have. She doesn't have the same life experiences that I have. So, while I am still single, and I have not experienced some of the things she has, in terms of moving ON, I have experienced things she has not in terms of moving UP.
I the few people that know my story usually react by saying something like "Oh, wow! You have such a hard life"

Life is not about getting through looking pretty. Life is about toiling, about sweating, about working your kishkes out, about becoming the best you can be.

In that case, please, please realize: hard=good!

Honestly, I don't think that my life is bad. Tough? At times. Hard? Yeah, I would say so. But not bad. I wouldn't trade my life for someone else's life. Not for all the money in the world. No matter how badly I need it.