What Would You Do?

What would you do,
In this situation,
That your family faced,
Such devastation?

What would you do,
If your father was in need?
I don't think it's even,
Considered a good deed!

What would you do,
If there was no money to pay?
Too bad, not my prob!
Is that what you'd say?

What would you do,
With no food on the table?
Wouldn't you help,
as much as you're able?

What would you do,
Would you act mature?
Even if giving,
Is so not your nature?

What would you do,
If you wanted your money?
But the family's situation,
Was really not funny?

What would you do,
If you were stingy your life thru,
But your father really needed,
Help from you?

What would you do,
Think now my friend!
Don't try to tell me,
No money you'd spend?!?

Desperate Faith

Why do you say I am so strong,
When I know I'm really not?
Why do you say I deal so well,
When in truth my nerves are shot?

Don't you realize my dear friend,
That it's simply not so true?
That I have challenges and doubts,
And I don't know what to do?

Why do you insist I'm great,
When I'm not so great at all?
Do you realize when you say this,
That I feel like I might fall?

Don't you realize I have questions,
On when my troubles will end?
And don't you realize the amount
Of hurt I need to mend?

Do you begin to realize,
How hard this is for me?
And I am coping a whole lot less,
Than anyone can see?

Do you know that I try so hard,
But feel like I only fail?
And despite my front of bravery,
I want to scream and wail?

Do you understand the hurt behind it,
When I say I never cry?
And you want me to shed a tear,
But I'm not sure I even try!

Do you realize my dear friend,
That my faith is out of desperation?
So to say I'm so amazing,
Is a real exageration?

Faith

When you know that you have nothing,
And Hashem gives you everything,
You only need your faith.

When you don't keep your money,
And savings you only wish to see,
That's the meaning of faith.

And when there's a bill to pay,
and there is simply no way,
The times call for faith.

You have so little, need so much,
Health, happiness, wealth and such,
You'll get it all with faith.

You need nothing at all,
It's to Hashem you must call,
Because everyrhing comes from faith.

Hashem provides for everyone,
Everything they need, under the sun,
You just need to have faith.

So when the road gets rough,
And the going tough,
You need to remember your faith.

It'll carry you through,
In all that you do,
But you need to have that faith.

Yesterday Is Not An Indication Of Tomorrow

Rosh Hashanah is coming. It's a time to think about what has transpired since last year and what we want out of the coming year.
I commented to my sister how lucky we are. We feel this pressing need for parnassah. And so, as Rosh Hashanah approaches, we prepare ourselves to beg Hashem with every fiber of our being, to beseach Him to bestow parnassah on our family. But in reality, we are no different than any other family.
Someone might have ten million dollars in the bank today, and yet, tomorrow he could be with nothing. Someone could have nothing today and tomorrow he could be the richest man in the world. It doesn't matter what you have until now. Looking at the past can make you have one of two wrong reactions. You can either despair, saying: there is no way in the world that a person like me can be pulled out of the deep pit I am in. Whether it is heavy debts, a fatal illness, or any
other seemingly hopeless situation. You have to realize that yesterday's problems are not an indication of tomorrow. When Hashem wants your yeshua to come to the world, he'll send it. You may have been waiting for years. (In my families case it's about ten years since my father had money.) But your yeshua didn't come because the time was not right. But tomorrow might be the right time. You just have to daven.
On the flip side, there is the people who think they have what they need. They become complacent. There was a case that I remember, when I was such a young girl, that I'm shocked I remember it, but I guess itwas a lesson worth remembering. It was Simchas Torah, many years ago. This lady was really upset about something or other. So one of the other ladies tried to cheer her up by telling her that her husband had recieved chosson beraishis. "So what?" She asked.
"It's a big segulah for parnassah" the other lady answered. "I don't need parnassah," the lady said. "My husband makes plenty of money."
Even as a little kid, I remember being floored. What?! How can anyone say they don't need parnassah? Why does her husband make good money? Only because Hashem gave her the gift of parnassah! While I know most people aren't quite so naive, think about this. All those rich gvirim out there who give millions of dollars to tzedakah- they don't need parnassah any more or less than we do. Yet we are lucky. Hashem made it real for us. We really apreciate the need for parnassah. And our tefillos will surely reflect it.

From My Journal...Pesach is rough!

I am not so sure if my father's stalling on the foreclosure is so great. I mean, I definitely don't want to move, but we aint getting richer and I don't really know if there is what to stall for...other than me and my other shiduch age siblings getting married off. It's not easy...

Having a husband in kollel or being in kollel is not for everyone. I think what matters is if you work and you happen to be a jew and do mitzvos and learn or if you learn torah and do mitzvos but you are forced to work to earn a living. And there has to be someone who is going to work and support the lomdei torah.
One thing i have to tell you though is that no job is a guarantee for lots of money. I know a family where the father is a doctor who graduated from a top medical school. Everyone had high hopes for him becoming a world renowned specialist. Somehow though, he never made it and he wound up doing a little this and a little that. I think he is actually in kollel. Meanwhile, the mother, who never went to college, has no degree of any sort, worked in a particular company for years and years and got promoted to the top. She is now making a big salary and supporting the family comfortably on it. The moral: It matters not how many years you went to school, or what your degree or qualifications are. What matters is whether or not Hashem wants you to have money. Trust me. If it went by degrees, experience or brains my father would be a very rich man right now. (As he was for many years.)

I wish I was as amazing as people think. Just last night I asked my friend if you give tzedakah because you feel you have to and not because you want to, do you still get schar for it? It's not that I don't want to give money, it is just hard. I was working overtime the other day to try to make a few extra dollars. And while I was there I couldn't help but feel a little down. I am working so hard and I don't have what to show for it. I mean, If I were to get engaged today, I wouldn't even have the money I need to buy the basics (kitchen things, sheitels, a car...). So, YA. am worried. And stressed. And overtired. Since I last week I spent 600 dollars on groceries, then I spent another 300 dollars. And that is not even counting the money I spent last week on clothes for my siblings. I have this pit in my stomach that won't go away. It's a nervous thing, and I know it well by now. It has been occasional in the past, but lately it's been constant.
And in case I thought pesach was expensive, someone in my family smashed up one of our cars today. Not a good time for that to happen, but....

My sister is so shallow. Basically it's like this. I just realized that most girls don't save up so much money. She spends it on gold jewelery, 300 dollar outfits..... I spend it on food, clothing.... But if you forget what it's spent on, it all amounts to the same thing.
And in a few years (months) when the stuff she bought goes out of style, she will forget about all that money, not reap any benifit from it. Me on the other hand did it in a kind of "savings" plan. I put the enjoyment that I get out of this money away for the next world.

Here I go...complaing AGAIN...I am having a rough time. I am too young and inexperienced to be feeling such financial pressures. My friend was telling me that I have to stop piling all these trouble on my own head but I don't think I can live any other way. I get very upset and nervous when things are not being dealt with, and my parents simply don't deal with things. When April 15th came I had to BEG my parents to file an extension because they hadn't done their taxes. I can't see things like this. I need things to be dealt with and calm.

A Parent's Love

I still remember those days,
when money was not yet tight,
Who would have believed then,
that our lives would ever fill with such tension and fright.

Those days, so long ago,
yet so recently,
when we still existed as a regular,
functioning family.

We all got along with each other,
life was so easy, smooth, and carefree,
yes we had our battles, our struggles,
but we came together as a happy family.

Yet the wheels of fortune turned,
and no longer was it Hashem's will,
for us to be on the giving end,
and the once successful business went down hill.

Daddy was once a proud business man,
and today his business is gone,
in it's wake leaves a shadow of a man,
and a family waiting for dawn.

And it is hard, oh so hard,
who knows that better than you and me?
How will we pay the bills?
And please don't shut off our electricity!

What we know is this, it is so very clear,
Money is from Hashem and none other,
But one thing that money can't buy,
Is the love of a father and a mother.

And when we had lots of money,
and we were the "rich ones", the ones in command,
our family functioned so much better,
for without a parent's guiding touch, a family cannot stand.

Because you had so much to give,
and inside you felt so relaxed, so secure.
You gave us everything a child could ask for,
we could never have asked for any more.

And then the day came, the tragedy struck,
when you could no longer provide for your family,
and along with that came so much pain,
pain that simply didn't have to be.

We know, mommy and daddy,
we understand good and well,
that you cannot afford to give us more,
than a home in which to dwell,

In fact, mommy and daddy,
I know that because things are rough,
It is only right for me to help out,
to do my part to make things less tough,

And I do help out, as much as I could,
I give so much more than you'll ever know.
That's the way I like it,
it's payback for the multitudes I owe,

Yet one thing that I beg of you,
It's something that doesn't cost a cent.
it's love and care and attention,
because I know you have only good intent.

You want what is best for your children,
the best that money can buy,
and since you can no longer give it to us,
you feel like there is nothing to do but to cry.

But I wish I could show you how wrong you are,
there is so much we want that is free,
someone to ask "how was your day"
someone to show an interest in me.

That's all I want from you, mommy and daddy,
honest, I don't want a penny.
I want the things that the richest man can't buy,
because they aren't acquired with money.

I want love. I want attention.
I want to know someone is there,
when I go to the doctor, when I have a bad day,
I want to fall into the arms of someone who cares.

I would never ask you for a penny.
I wouldn't take money from you,
but there is still so much you can give,
it's the love that will pull us through.

I will ask Hashem to send us money,
Because it comes from him and none other,
But what I ask of you today,
Is love from my father and mother.

From My Journal......A Regular Girl? hahaha

I don't really know what to say. I feel like I am cracking. I am trying so hard, being so good, doing so much, and I don't see a light at the end of this.
I don't see how I helped my family. I mean, things are crazy so I wonder how much worse they'd be if I was not doing all that I am doing....
Another thing that has been bothering me: Most of the time, when I give my parents money, it is in ways that they don't know about. It is so hard and so embarrassing for my father, who is still a proud business man inside, to take money from his own kids. So I give it in ways that my parents don't know I gave it, such as buying groceries, filling the car with gas, and buying clothes/shoes for my little siblings. You might wonder how my parents don't know about all this money I spend on them, but trust me, their finances are so messed up that they really don't question anything right now.
So what is the problem, you might ask? Well, I did a little calculating and I am barely putting any money in the bank. And believe me, I work really hard and I make more money than most girls my age. The amount of money I have spent on my parents and family in the past few months is outrageous.
When people ask me why I am saving up all my money now I say that it is so I can marry a big talmid chocham and he can learn for a very long time. So one person commented to me: "Why are you so into it? You are not any different than any other girl who wants to marry a learning boy!" Inwardly, I was laughing, rejoicing that I manage to convey an image of a perfect life to the outside world. But I began thinking. I am different than most other girls who want to marry a learning boy. Firstly, do most girls give away about 80-90 percent of their earnings to their family?
Leaving that aside, do most girls have to buy their own sheitels? Do most kallah's have to pay for all their furniture out of their own pocket? Do most kallahs buy all their kitchen equipment out of their savings? Do most kallahs pay the shadchunis gelt from their own money? Do most kallah's have to worry about how they are going to pay for the whole wedding?
So yes, I am saving up my money like crazy now. No, I am not crazy. Yes, I have to worry about a lot more than most girls when it comes to money. No, I am not money hungry. Yes, I think it would be nice to haver the things that you have. No, I don't think I will ever have them.
I am sorry if I sound like I am complaining a lot. i keep trying to remind myself that Hashem WANTS there to be limud torah in His world and if He is putting all these roadblocks in my way then it is just so I should get more schar for the limud torah that my husband does do.

And then you combine all these thoughts and worries with the fact that they have recently filed foreclosure on our house. My parents no longer talk about forclosure as a matter of "if" rather a manner of "when".
I am so streessed out and worried. I wish I knew what the right thing to do is, what is the right way to act, the right way to lead my life.
I am finding it hard to deal with it, and continue on with life as usual. But I am pulling through. I know I can. If Hashem gave it to me, I CAN do it. It is just a matter of pulling myself together and remaining strong.

From My Journal......Old Habits Die Hard

You know the halacha that when you give someone tzedakah, you have to support them up to their standards, even if their standards are higher than yours?
I have often thought about this, as many people must. It doesn't seem fair. Once my family went onto the recieving end, I started to understand. From the "poor person's" perspective, they have to try to lower their standards of living, but from the perspective of the nosnim tzedakah, let me try to explain a bit. My father was at one point a very successful business man. My mother used to shop in the most exlusive frum boutiques, not because she is a fancy person who cared that much about fancy clothing but because she wanted to give parnassah to the shopkeepers, especially those who's husbands are in kollel... Honestly, we are not (were not) fancy people who need so much luxuries, but it happens that when you are not accustomed to watching how you spend, you find it hard to get yourself accustomed to it. Very hard. That is basically what is going on in my family. While we all know that money is a real problem, we are still struggling to pull ourselves out of our old spending habits. I am not justifying this. I am not saying we should spend more than the barest minimum, but I am trying to show you that there is a reason for this halacha (as there is for every halacha). I, personally have lowered my living standards tremendously, and I really am very frugal. But it is very hard. As they say, old habits die hard.

From My Journal......More On Foreclosure-does this make me obsessed?

I think part of what scares me about foreclosure is the publicity. EVERYONE knows when there is a foreclosure. It is one of those things that you hear about on the radio, as a statistic, but don't think about on a personal level. As someone once said "When one person dies it is a tragedy, when a million people die it is a statistic." I think it is similar with foreclosures, and financial distress in general. You hear about it on the radio, you read about it in the newspapers, but we don't think of it as people. Real people. Imagine someone looking through one of these "foreclosed homes" listings and seeing OUR home in it. The home where I and my siblings grew up. The home where my older sibling's vorts were. The home we lovingly and carefully decorated. The home we have all our memories in. OUR home. Imagine it in a list of foreclosed houses, a list which screams to the world "my owners couldn't meet their bills" My house has been used for so much chesed over the years. Countless people have found refuge in our house. Numerous shiurim have been held in our house. Parlor meetings were conducted in our house. School functions, choir practice, showers, purim parties....you name it. Anyone who needed, our house was always open. And now, all those hundreds of people who have been at our house for various reasons will also know. The XXXXX family couldn't pay the mortgage.
I'll admit. I am plain and simple embarrassed.
Then there is also the fact that I don't want to move. As much as I don't find it very warm at the moment, and I often find myself dreading it, it is my house (notice I didn't say home) and it is spacious. I have my own bedroom. I have space. We are not all over eachother. I can not imagine sharing a room with 3 sisters, while all of us are in the delicate emotional state we are in. We can barely be have a normal conversation, without fighting. How can we all be squeezed into a tiny house?

Again, these are pointless complaints. I KNOW Hashem has something special planned for us, and it will all be ok.
It's hard though.

From My Journal......Foreclosure Scares Me!

We had a rough time last week. Someone came to our house from the mortgage company. They wanted to discuss strategies to avoid forclosure. That freaked me out. My friend was really disturbed. She said I sounded worse than she can remember. Hashem is really testing my bitachon. I am trying so hard, I think I succeeded in overcoming the worries and Hashem reminds me that I have a lot to work on. I don't really know why forclosure scares me more than most things. I sort of panicked. My friend was up half the night on the phone with me... just listening.
*sigh*
Sometimes it seems like a black hole of despair, that there is no way out. I can't understand those who don't turn to Hashem in times of such desparation. There is nothing/nobody else that CAN help!

From My Journal....Kollel?

With regard to kollel, I had to thing long and hard as to whether I was up to such a thing.
My parents are rather against it (most likely because they are traumatized by money problems and don't want their children to suffer like they do). I realized though, that this is L'sheim Shamayim, and that Hashem helps those who sacrifice for Torah.
In fact, the lesson that I learned from my situation is that parnassah is uncertain and only from Hashem. Who would have thought, especially at the peak of my father's success, that we would ever be in such a situation? Marrying a business man is not a guarantee for money in this world, but marrying someone who is in the "business" of limud torah is a guarantee for schar in the world to come. I feel very strongly about this, and will therefore only consider a shiduch with someone who is in yeshivah full time.
My parents feel that with everything that is going against me in shiduchim (in terms of my family situation) I should be more open to shiduch suggestions. I am open. I am open to boys with problems, medical problems, family problems... I am open to ba'alei teshuvah, I am open to all kinds of boys, yet one thing I insist on is that he be a ben torah, a full time yeshivah student. I don't want this for my personal enjoyment, and therefore I hope that I am deserving of this.