The following is a guest post emailed to me by a reader who's family is in a similar financial position to mine. She portrays an emotional account of what it feels like from "the other side". I wrote a post about people being careful what they say, which is obviously a tough thing to do, but please realize that especially Pesach time, there is a lot of financial stress on a lot of families.Discussion of gashmius, especially in the excess, is very tough for people like us.
She writes:
I walked into my office this morning, and I knew immediately it would be a rough day. The minute I heard what the conversation was I said: "Please Hashem, it's only Monday morning! Help get through the day without aggravation, without my coworkers making me upset." Two of my coworkers were discussing a family where "nebach the father just lost his job and they literally don't have food on the table." They couldn't understand it.
When will people begin to realize that people they know are suffering through this? Neighbors, friends, and yes, even your family are suffering. They literally don't have money. Its real. Its right here in your neighborhood. Real poverty. People who are not in this have no concept of what it means to not have money to buy food, clothing...bare necessities.
The way the conversation was flowing, I realized that this is the first person they heard of that doesn't have money. They were describing a scene that sounded so much like my family it was scary. The funny thing is, who would think? So far I didn't join their conversation. I'm just holding my breath, hoping they don't ask me to contribute toward their fund for this family.
Don't get me wrong. I would love to help them out, but you see-I can't .
I didn't have a penny on me (well, a penny I had, certainly not a dollar) and my tzedakah money is all given to my father. We don't either have money.
They are so naive it is unreal. I over hear them saying "The scariest thing is that so many families don't have money, but you would look at them and you would never know" Little did they know that one such person was sitting just 3 feet away. How could they know? Do they even know that when they are busy discussing their latest wardrobe for Pesach, I'm wondering where we are going to get money for matzos? And while they are busy trading recipes, I am wondering how we are going to buy food. I hear them talking about this one and that one who lost their job, but it doesn't even occur to them that someone can still have a job but not be bringing in any income. Those people certainly go unnoticed. The common response is "be thankful that they have a job." The ones that lost CEO positions, those are the ones who everyone knows about, but how about your neighbor who leaves every morning to open up his store, yet his income barely covers the rent? You think he has money to make Pesach, just because he has a job?
I just couldn't get over it. Later I informed one of them that I would love to give money for such a wonderful cause. But I just can't. I told them that unfortunately I know many people personally who are in the same situation as the family they described. I just gave yesterday! In all innocence, she told me she also just gave tzedakah yesterday, but she was talking in terms of $36, $50. I informed her that just yesterday I had given this family that I know very well $300. Her jaws dropped. She couldn't believe how I can give so much . "How well do I know them already? Its a good thing I didn't tell her about the $300 I gave last week. I silently blessed them that they should never be placed in a situation where they would understand.
I was so proud of myself that I was able to put on such a good act. I was smiling and talking about the latest Pesach preparations while pretending that I know where the money will come from. Money to cover my credit card debt that includes all of my family's Pesach expenses (my parents are maxed out). In truth, I do know. It's coming from Hashem.
An additional note from the author:
Dear coworker, if you are reading this and recognize some details leading you to figure out who I am, please keep it quiet. Don't make me the next topic of discussion in the office. We might not have money, but our dignity-we still have. The only reason I am allowing this post to go up is to make people aware of the current situation, and that it's not just something you read in the papers. Please don't make me regret my decision.
Thank You.
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4 comments:
wow. very well written.
it's so true about people having jobs and still not having money. my parents BOTH have jobs, and they still need to apply to our shul to get help for pesach. who's thinking of new clothing? if the schools donate gift certificates for the "too" family to have new clothes, then so be it. if not, my sisters will wear last years clothing. and if last years outfit doesn't fit, they'll wear their winter outfits, or hand me downs...if there are any this year. if.
To the author- thanks so much for having the courage to publish this. You described the feeling really well...people sitting around discussing various "nebach cases" and wondering what they would say about you if they knew... :(
I hope things get easier for your family!
me too- Thank You.
One of my main points is that one can never know what another family's financial situation is like. Wearing winter outfits or clothing that is noticeably a hand me down will insinuate to the public that something is amiss. However, B"H every sibling of mine is going to go into Pesach with brand new clothes and shoes. Therefore, no one can possibly know what is really going on in my family.
Hatzlacha.
Dry eyes- Thank you for the opportunity.
Amein- and for your family too, I hope things should get easier.
Just to clarify- I didnt mean to put anyone down for wearing hand-me-downs. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it; As a matter of fact, my family wears hand-me-downs all the time and we are very happy.
I just wanted to stress the importance of not being quick to judge and talk about other's financial situation because no one knows what might really be going on. And just because you might see people dressed their best in brand new outfits, doesn't necesarily mean they can afford it.
(the $30 saved by not buying the dress in children's place for my little sister is not really going to help pay the few thousand dollar mortgage, or the few hundred dollar food order for pesach or the utility and insurance bills..., but her shining face as she proudly shows off her new Yom Tov outfit is priceless)
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