One Can Only Dream....

All frum single girls have, from time to time fantasized about getting engaged.
You imagine the moment of excited proposal,
You imagine your exhilarated 'yes',
You imagine the lechaim,
You imagine the mazal tov wishes.

You might even start to fantasize about the vort, the invitations, the preparations.

You might even go as far as imagining yourself, sitting regally in a pure white gown, surrounded by crowds of people wishing you their most sincere mazel tov wishes.
It's a beautiful little daydream....Maybe it was brought about by a promising shidduch....Maybe it was brought about by a friend's glorious description of engaged life.

And so we indulge...we sail away to a place we can only see in our imaginations...and we dream...

I recently indulged in such a dream...I saw the smiling faces of my parents, eager to get to know their long awaited son-in-law.
I saw the excited way everyone wished me mazel tov...
I saw the beautiful hall, decked out in flowers, full of happy friends and family...there to celebrate...my wedding.
And there I was, in a pristine gown, the radiant Kallah.

And then....
all of my dreams...
for the future....
came crashing down....
by a memory....
of the past....

Because I know what will really happen when I get engaged.
We will go through the motions of simcha-no, we will be happy.
But...
If the expenses of day to day life are enough to keep my parents from sleeping at night...maybe the expenses of another wedding will....I don't know!
When we made our last wedding, about 2 years ago, things were tough, but not like they are now. The house was not in foreclosure yet. My father did not yet have the thousands of dollars of lawyer's bills he has now. Things were much easier financially.
And yet....
The expenses of the wedding were enough to keep my parents from having a minute's rest. It was enough to send my father begging in ways that he would never have done, if he could have avoided it. It was enough for us to accept some tzedakah in the most demeaning ways you can imagine.
And...
My sister had savings. When she gave presents to her chosson, it wasn't a gift from my parents. It came from her savings. The shadchan was paid for from her savings. Her gown, from a gemach, needed alterations, which were naturally paid for out of her savings. I don't have savings.
So...
The one feeling that really stands out, from everything is guilt. How can I do this to my family? How can I throw my parents into this emotional turmoil? And while the doctors say that they don't really know what caused my father to get sick and need hospitalization at that point, I don't really wonder.
Now...
I dream too...
I dream of things that seem impossible to me.
I dream to be a happy kallah, escorted down the to the chuppa in the arms of two healthy, happy, and calm parents. I dream of simcha that won't be marred by worries, tensions and anxieties. I dream of being able to get married without feeling sick to my stomach knowing that I have caused pain to my parents. I dream of being able to get married, move on, and not have to worry about my family having nothing to eat...

But for now...I will just dream.

Who is REALLY Driving?

When my brother was little, he used to love cars. So my mother bought him a toy steering wheel that he used to attach to the back of the seat in front of his. He used to have such a good time "driving" the car. Every time he would be in the car, he soul sit in the back, carefully maneuvering things with his little steering wheel. He would gleefully make vroom vroom noises as he navigated up hills and around bends. Sometimes the car in front would make a short stop, and my brother would be proud to steer the car around him and avoid an accident. He would get so intent on his "driving" that one would almost forget that he was not really doing anything outside of his imagination. In reality though, his careful maneuvers and excellent steering capabilities were not doing anything.

And this is the way we live our lives. We plan and plan and plan. We think it's us making all these brilliant decisions. We think we need to do it all on our own or else we'd crash. But we are as silly as the little child who thinks that their toy is preventing accidents on the road. There is Someone else driving the car. It's really not in our hands.

Did I Really Think?

Did I really think that when I texted you "hi" you would read my silent message and call me saying that your husband is busy and you have all the time in the world to talk to me and listen to me?

Did I really think that when I sent you an email saying "have a great day" you would interpret that as a sign that you should call me and tell me that you want to get together tonight and that you want to hear all about what has been going on lately?

Did I really think that when you called me and I told you that I needed to go, you would realize that what I really meant was that I have too much to say and I can't seem to say anything but that I really really really want you to stay on the phone with me and just listen?

Did I really think that when I told you that I am "doing great" you would pick up on the fact that great means crushing under the weight of trying to maintain my crazy work schedule while sick, and simultaneously trying to take care of the house and so many other things?

Did I really think that anyone would ever realize that the funnier I get and the more jokes I make and the harder I laugh, the more pain I am trying to cover up for?

Did I really think that anyone would realize that when I don't pick up my phone for a week it is because I have too much to say?

Did I really think that anyone would ever be able to understand that behind my cheerful disposition lies a person who is about to explode?

Did I really think that people are mind readers?

Did I really think that when I push people away....they wouldn't go away?

Did I really think that people could understand me...........if I can't understand myself?



(Sorry to put up yet another sad and depressing post. There are some crazy things going on right now that are making it very hard to cope. I am trying to get back to miss "amazing"....it might take a few more days....)

Advice, PLEASE?

When I started this blog, I hadn't cried in over a year. I knew it was bad, but I couldn't handle the emotions. There was too much pain going on, and I couldn't. I stopped allowing myself to feel things. I began dealing with life on an intillectual level, yet in an emotionally detached state.

Recognizing this was a problem, I set out to change my way of coping. I began to reach out to others. I began writing more. I started a blog. And it worked. I started to feel emotion again.
And I am not sure I like it.

I am falling from the weight of everything. I don't know if it the weight of everything in the last year falling on me at once, or if it just a few things going on in my life that are rough right now, but either way....I am not managing. I built up this shell around me that was so strong, so protective, I could withstand everything...without me feeling anything. People could barely get a reaction out of me. And now?

Now I am ready to cry over everything! I am ready to cry at the slightest disagreement, whereas a huge fight in the old days wouldn't get to me. I am ready to cry at the slightest disappointment, whereas the hugest letdown didn't used to get to me.

So now I ask you...(hopefully there are those wiser than me reading this, because I am at a loss)

Is there a point? Can I hide behind a mask forever? Must I let myself feel? Is there a middle ground? If so, how do I reach it? Do I first have to get past all of this pain that I have buried? What if I don't want to? How can I chanel this pain? How can I move past it all? Can I just pick up and move on? Advice anyone? How does one learn to cope? How does one separate the "I wants" from the "I haves"? How does one learn to deal with disappointments? With nastiness? With discord and strife? How does one deal with all this, feel all this, and emerge with a smile on their face?

Please, I am reaching out to anyone who may be reading this...I need help, advice...I am at a loss? Should I go back into my shell?

Who is Really Driving?

When my brother was little, he used to love cars. So my mother bought him a toy steering wheel that he used to attach to the back of the seat in front of him. He used to have such a good time "driving" the car. Every time he would be in the car, he soul sit in the back, carefully maneuvering things with his little steering wheel. He would gleefully make vroom vroom noises as he navigated up hills and around bends. Sometimes the car in front would make a short stop, and my brother would be proud to steer the car around him and avoid an accident. He would get so intent on his "driving" that one would almost forget that he was not really doing anything outside of his imagination. In reality though, his careful maneuvers and excellent steering capabilities were not doing anything.

And this is the way we live our lives. We plan and plan and plan. We think it's us making all these brilliant decisions. We think we need to do it all on our own or else we'd crash. But we are as silly as the little child who thinks that their toy is preventing accidents on the road. There is Someone else driving the car. It's really not in our hands.

Plans For My Future?

I met an old teacher of mine. She was one of the teachers that really liked me and considered me a star pupil. So we meet at a wedding, and she inquires where I am up to in life:

"So Dry Eyes, which corporation are you running?"

And then it hits me. This is the reason for my unrest, for my feelings of stagnation. I can talk until I am blue in the face about how I will manage financially, even with a husband in kollel, and no degree. But it goes further and deeper than that. I want to go to college.

You see, this is what they hoped for me. As the brilliant girl, Dry Eyes was expected to chose some lucrative field, and rise to the top of it. This is what I was supposed to become. The CEO of a large company, or maybe a top specialist in some complicated branch of medicine. Maybe a researcher, an inventor. Maybe I was expected to be a famous lawyer.

So I can try hard to convince myself that I don't want anything more. That as the future wife of a future Rosh Yeshivah or future Rav I don't belong doing this kind of thing. That my place will be at the stove or the sewing machine, where good yiddishe mama's have positioned themselves for generations.

I might fool the people I tell this to, but I can't ever fool myself. B"H, He gave me brains, and I want to use them. I want to find myself stimulated, to find myself exhausting my brain power. I am not happy working as a lowly secretary. I don't enjoy the odd-jobs I do to pick up an extra few dollars. I don't want to spend the rest of my life allowing my brain to rot under a pile of papers that need to be filed.

And now I am fighting back tears as I write this, because I know that right now, as I sit in the dead of the night at my computer typing spontaneously, without planning what I want to write, I have stumbled over a truth that has lain dormant within me for so long. That little bubble of sadness I feel when my friends talk about their classes and professors and finals...it's not sadness. It is jealousy. I was supposed to be sitting next to her in class! I was supposed to be experiencing those finals, the ones they complain about so much, from the inside.

I don't want to be amazing anymore. I want to be a regular girl like everyone else. I want to move forward in life, not sit around waiting for...for nothing. For everything. For what?

My sisters and sisters-in-law all went to college. They all have degrees. They all moved on and up in life. They have well-paying jobs where they use their brains, they think a little. But Dry Eyes made the decision to help her family out financially, rather than use this money for her schooling or to save up for her wedding. How noble of her, no? But does tzedakah even count if you resent every penny? Do I still get a mitzvah if every dollar is a stab inside my heart? Is there schar for someone who gives money but feels like running to hide so she shouldn't have to?
Is it a mitzvah to give if I do it simply because I see no other way?

Looking back at the past year, at all the money I made, I am impressed with myself. Combine my lowly secretarial job, all the overtime hours I am allowed to put in, and a whole bunch of odd-jobs on the side, and I made a considerable amount of money in the past year.

But where has it gotten me? I could have paid for a lot more than a year's tuition. Probably a master's tuition. I could have bought myself a lexus. I could have saved up a bunch of money to make up for not getting financial support after I get married. I could have a closet full of clothes to rival the fanciest girls in town. I could have.....done a lot of things.

But I did nothing. A year has gone by, and I am at the exact same place as I was last year. (Minus a couple thousand dollars.) I have gone nowhere. I have saved nothing. And it's not as if my money has made such a difference to my family. We are falling apart either way. The house is in foreclosure, the collectors call daily, the IRS is on our case, what help have I even been?

And so, I feel this sense of restlessness, of wanting to go somewhere. And it is getting me down. The "me" of yesterday doesn't even recognize the "me" of today. The "me of yesterday was so carefree, so hopeful. And the "me" of today has nothing. Not a degree, a car, a husband....not even a plan. And the "me" of today has hope, only the "me" of today's hope is represented by the intangible straws of bitachon that she is grasping at.

I can't indulge myself often. I didn't buy the shoes, even though they were cute and I need new shoes because I didn't want to spend the money. I don't indulge myself in a new wedding outfit, even though my close friend is getting in a week and I really need it, because I don't want to spend the money. I didn't even indulge myself on the two dollar ice cream the other night, because I choke over wasted money like that. But tonight I will indulge myself. I will allow myself to wallow in self pity for a bit. At least that is free.

An Additional Nisayon

I was speaking to a very wise woman today, and she gave me an amazing perspective on things.
We were discussing life challenges, and how sometimes it is so hard to see a master plan, but that it's always there. She mentioned how some people have it so hard, and you just can't understand G-d's plan for them.
So then I mentioned to her that there is a perception issue involved. That there are people who seem to be suffering through very similar situations, and yet one can walk around with a permanent frown and everyone feels so bad for them, while the other can hold her head up and smile and the world can forget that she is going through anything.
So I concluded that it is a large part your perception of the situation, not just the situation itself.

So this woman gave me an amazing perspective, that I want to share with you.

The person who is miserable and thinks that nobody in the world knows any suffering that is more extreme than what they endure.....they don't want to be like that. It is their emotional makeup, and thus part of their nisayon. Would they rather be one of those "cope"ers, who can fly around the world giving lectures on dealing with tough situations? Sure they would! But they have an added nisayon. Their emotional makeup prevents them from dealing with things as well as they wish they would. It is not necessarily a cognitive choice, but rather an added test from G-d.

Contrasts

Isn't it sad, to see these two ads side by side on a newspaper page:
On one side, there is an ad for a beautiful, luxurious pesach hotel, featuring five star entertainment and even better cuisine. In an effort to outdo each of the other pesach hotels, you can now go almost anywhere in the globe. On the other side there is an urgent appeal for a tzedakah of some sort. Whether it's a family heavily in debt due to medical bills, or a father who lost his job in the economic crisis, or a yesoma who is engaged and desperately needs money for her wedding...
Either way, the contrast is sickening. Do you realize, that while some people are wining and dining on the finest cuisine, there are some people who are eating the absolute barest minimum? People who wouldn't even be able to dream of a fancy hotel for one night, and definitely not for a week? That there are people out there who are turning to kimcha depischa funds, not because it doesn't make them sick, but
simply because without it, their family would not have matzoh, and all the other things they need for yom tov.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not jealous. I love yom tov at home. Even at the peak of my parents wealth, it never occurred to my parents to go away. But it makes me sad, nonetheless. I'll admit, it's a test to my bitachon. It's hard to see such contrasts.

I'm not sure what my point is in writing this. I am not, chas v'shalom trying to put the caterers out of business. This is their parnassah. And I am not trying to say that they are all overly luxurious. I've heard that some are reasonably priced, and have excellent shiurim, and are really nice. But....it's not only the extreme luxuries of the pesach hotels. It's the overall attitude of our generation. I know people have lost money in the 'financial crisis', but what do they give up first? Their monthly contributions to some charitable cause, or their fancy vacations, luxury cars, and home renovations?
Again, I don't think I'm going to accomplish much by saying that. I'm not, as someone suggested, going to set up a paypal button on the side
of my blog for people who want to help my family. (The idea makes me laugh. I don't know why...but...the idea is so chutzpadik...and funny.) I'm simply asking you to think. Think if you really need something. Think what usage of your money will get you the furthest in the long run. Think about people who are less fortunate than you are. Think about people who don't have the choices you have.
And give. Open your hearts, you pockets, and give.

A Memory....

"Uh, Dry Eyes, I don't know how to ask you..."

"What Tatty?"

"Well, um, I have some bills and...."

"Tatty, do you need money?"

"I hate to ask you Dry Eyes, but..."

"Tatty, it's my pleasure. How much do you need?"

"I hate to do this Dry Eyes....but I need $2,000"

"Not a problem Tatty. Let me get a check."

(takes out checkbook, begins writing, davening meanwhile for the right words to come to mind.)

"Here it is Tatty."

"Dry Eyes, thanks you...I feel terrible to take like this"

"Tatty, after everything you and Mommy have given me and done for me, this is nothing. Really, the least I could do to repay you."

As the smile returned to my fathers face, and that proud-business-man look replaced the ashamed-of-stooping-so-low look once again, I had to thank Hashem for putting the right words into my mouth. B"H.....

The Miracle Of Daily Life

"Do you want to witness a miracle? It’s simple. Close your eyes. Then open them. If you are blessed enough to see, you have just experienced millions of cells working in tandem to produce a unique vision of the world in front of you--and the miracle then continues and changes by the millisecond."

This was the beginning of an email my friend sent me (from the hakhel daily email). I thought it was a beautiful lesson, and had to share. It reminded me of an important lesson I have learned along my journey.
I used to think that having bitachon in Hashem, that He would provide for me, meant believing He could do a miracle. I thought I was guaranteed to get lots of money in some miraculous way.
Maybe I would win the lottery.
Maybe I would fall in walmart and sue them for a million dollars.
Maybe I would find a wallet lying on the street with a million dollars of cash in it.
Maybe I would dig in my backyard and find a well of natural gas.
Maybe some relative I didn't know I had would die and leave his fortune to me.

Then I learned that it doesn't have to come by way of miracles. Hashem can send me the money I need in the most mundane form.
I can get a raise at my job.
I can get a rebate on a purchase I made.
I can get a bigger tax return than I thought I was going to get.

Now I realize that there is no difference between the two. Is it more miraculous for me to find a wallet with loads of cash in it than for me to get a raise at my job? Is it a easier for Hashem to arrange a tax return than a winning lottery ticket?

My life is full of miracles, at every turn, in every breath that I take.

When I wake up in the morning,
it's a miracle.
When I walk on my own two feet,
it's a miracle.
When I go to work,
it's a miracle.
When I eat lunch, and the food gets digested,
it's a miracle.
When my car starts,
it's a miracle.
When I find shoes on sale,
it's a miracle.
When I fall asleep at night,
it's a miracle.
Everything I do,
is a miracle.

The Impact Of Your Actions

Someone did something to my father that will cost him a lot of money. This is money that he doesn't have. It is money he will have to lower
himself further to raise.

Now, this man who did it...he had no idea what he was doing. He never dreamed that he was causing pain and anguish to my father, who already has more bills than he can pay for. He had no idea that my family is in dire financial straights. He never dreamed that my father would lose so much sleep over "just" a few thousand dollars. He simply didn't know.

If he had known what kind of ripple effect his actions would have, I like to think that he would not have done what he did. But he didn't know. And that got me thinking. Do we ever know the far reaching effects of our actions?

Maybe that girl who I criticized has a low self esteem problem. Maybe my thoughtless remark pushed her into a shell that she would take years to get out of. If I had known that, would I have done it?

Maybe when I made fun of one girl to another girl, that was the final straw that ended their friendship. Maybe that friendship was very beneficial to them, but now it's over. Thanks to me. If I had known that, would I have said it?

You never know if your comment can be the final straw in a marriage, or the thing that pushes someone off the derech, or any other far reaching effect. And that is why we have to be so careful. There is no such thing as an insignificant action. Every thing you do had a ripple effect. Some might be bigger than others, but the ripple is there.

Hopefully the zechus of being more careful, of trying hard not to hurt other people, even in "insignificant" ways, will bring some much needed yeshuos to klal yisroel.

He Packed My Suitcase

I already mentioned the comforting imagery of imagining yourself in the warm, loving embrace of the Best and most Powerful Father possible.

Now I want to take it a step further. Imagine your Father is sending you on a long and ardous journey. He wants your success more than anything. The journey after all, is for the purpose of accomplishing something for Him. So, in order to help you succeed, he prepares as much information and supplies as you will need for the trip.

Imagine, the loving Father, tucking some last minute things into your suitcase, trying to ensure that you have everything you need.

And so you set off.

Along your journey, you start to notice that there are so many things you never would have thought to bring along, that are in your suitcase. Things you never knew you needed, yet things you never would have managed without.

It is then that you begin to realize the wisdom of your Father. He may have sent you on this trip, but you are not alone. You have His guidance, through His instructions, and through the suitcase full of supplies that He packed, especially for you. And therefore you know that you are never alone.

All the talents you have, are simply tools that you need, that have been put in your suitcase, to ensure your success on your journey.

Taking this a step further, let's put our "pekelach" in life into those suitcases. Let's say that whatever pain I am forced to go though is a "medicine" that my Father put into my suitcase. It might taste bitter, and it might not be so enjoyable, but it's really just there to help me.

But I can't take your medicine.

It won't make me better. It will make me sicker. So comparing my medicine with your medicine is silly. My Father packed me exactly the medicines I will need to be healthy. And He packed you the ones you need.

Some times I start to feel silly complaining about the various things going on in my life when there are people who are suffering through, what I percieve to be, much greater suffering. But it's silly. I am going on a different journey, and I have a different suitcase, with different supplies, different medicines, different tools for success.

The bitterness of your medicine doesn't take away from the bitterness of mine.

But we really just have to remember that it's medicine. While it might be bitter, it's main purpose is to make us into better people.

Learning The Good-From The "Bad"

I might have have a leak on top of my head,
But it means I have a roof on top of my head.

I might have scruffy old shoes,
But it means I have feet to put into those shoes.

I might have less food than I want,
But it means I have enough food to live.

I might feel cold when we can't afford enough heat,
But it means my heart is warm.

I might feel like my parents don't do enough for me,
But it means I have parents.

I might work a lot of overtime hours,
But it means I have a great job that pays well.

I might have mold growing on the walls of my bedroom,
But it means I have my own bedroom.

I might hear people argue over money,
But it means I have working ears.

I might need a new outfit to wear to my friend's wedding,
But it means I have friends who's weddings I can attend.

I might not have a harmonious family,
But it means I have a family.

I might have an occasional bad day,
But it means I have many, many good ones...

No Need to Help Him