Did I really think that when I texted you "hi" you would read my silent message and call me saying that your husband is busy and you have all the time in the world to talk to me and listen to me?
Did I really think that when I sent you an email saying "have a great day" you would interpret that as a sign that you should call me and tell me that you want to get together tonight and that you want to hear all about what has been going on lately?
Did I really think that when you called me and I told you that I needed to go, you would realize that what I really meant was that I have too much to say and I can't seem to say anything but that I really really really want you to stay on the phone with me and just listen?
Did I really think that when I told you that I am "doing great" you would pick up on the fact that great means crushing under the weight of trying to maintain my crazy work schedule while sick, and simultaneously trying to take care of the house and so many other things?
Did I really think that anyone would ever realize that the funnier I get and the more jokes I make and the harder I laugh, the more pain I am trying to cover up for?
Did I really think that anyone would realize that when I don't pick up my phone for a week it is because I have too much to say?
Did I really think that anyone would ever be able to understand that behind my cheerful disposition lies a person who is about to explode?
Did I really think that people are mind readers?
Did I really think that when I push people away....they wouldn't go away?
Did I really think that people could understand me...........if I can't understand myself?
(Sorry to put up yet another sad and depressing post. There are some crazy things going on right now that are making it very hard to cope. I am trying to get back to miss "amazing"....it might take a few more days....)
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9 comments:
yeah, you did.
and yes, you can take time for yourself.
Don't worry so much about getting back to being "amazing". That will come after you work out some things.
And yes, many times people understand what you mean with your actions. But people are afraid of pushing too hard, of going where they aren't wanted so they stand back.
You don't have to let everyone in on your personal life but let the few that can and want to help into you life and see how much better it will feel. Don't push everyone away!
No, dreamer, I don't think I did, because even as I was doing these things, I was thinking to myself how stupid I am acting.
Halfshared, I am talking about the few who know what is going on. Like my older sister, who is really amazing and I used to talk to her all the time. Now I am always too "busy" to talk. She doesn't even realize that I am breaking, not "too busy". She thinks this is all a good thing.
Well, stop misleading her honey. It's not helping you. You can't run away from everything. It's going to chase you wherever you run. Just pick up the phone and talk.
Believe me, I know how hard that is.
It's so painful cuz you know it will hurt more immediately after. But in the long run, it will be so good for you. Just do it. Be brave Girl.
Halfshared, this is the only way I know. In real life, I am so utterly cheerful, this blog is the poor whipping boy, getting the brunt of all of my frustrations. There is no way I will reach out and tell someone that I am having a rough day and that I need to talk. I just can't.
Its is hard to have to tell someone you need someone to talk to. You want your friends and family to realize on their own. I know the feeling well. I used to be the same way. I waited and waited for friends and family to initiate and then I would push them away. I would walk around with a smile on my face and tell the world that everything is fine even though inside I was churning.
You will be feel so relieved after you talk to someone. You can't go on pushing everyone away. Do it for yourself. I will tell you exactly what I will tell you the same thing everyone else is telling you: Pick up the phone!, call your sister, and talk!
You think that there is no way that you'll reach out and tell anyone you need someone to talk to.
But, you just did- in public.
So, on behalf of all the readers that know Dry Eyes personally-
Please take this as a personal invitation to listen to her, to talk to her.
She is reaching out to you- in her unique way.
Hatzlacha
Who cares, my real life friends/sister who know what is going on don't know about my blog. Well, actually, one does but she doesn't have Internet access and most of my posts start as discussions/emails/letters to her, so she doesn't need to read them. This post obviously didn't start that way.
I am ok now, really. Don't get all worried about me. I'll talk eventualy. For now, I'm ok. Thanks guys for all your help though. :-)
I don't know why you feel the need to be "amazing". What's wrong with being yourself, and doing the best you can do? What you're doing is amazing, but I wonder if you're not pressuring yourself too much.
(((hugs)))
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