One Can Only Dream....

All frum single girls have, from time to time fantasized about getting engaged.
You imagine the moment of excited proposal,
You imagine your exhilarated 'yes',
You imagine the lechaim,
You imagine the mazal tov wishes.

You might even start to fantasize about the vort, the invitations, the preparations.

You might even go as far as imagining yourself, sitting regally in a pure white gown, surrounded by crowds of people wishing you their most sincere mazel tov wishes.
It's a beautiful little daydream....Maybe it was brought about by a promising shidduch....Maybe it was brought about by a friend's glorious description of engaged life.

And so we indulge...we sail away to a place we can only see in our imaginations...and we dream...

I recently indulged in such a dream...I saw the smiling faces of my parents, eager to get to know their long awaited son-in-law.
I saw the excited way everyone wished me mazel tov...
I saw the beautiful hall, decked out in flowers, full of happy friends and family...there to celebrate...my wedding.
And there I was, in a pristine gown, the radiant Kallah.

And then....
all of my dreams...
for the future....
came crashing down....
by a memory....
of the past....

Because I know what will really happen when I get engaged.
We will go through the motions of simcha-no, we will be happy.
But...
If the expenses of day to day life are enough to keep my parents from sleeping at night...maybe the expenses of another wedding will....I don't know!
When we made our last wedding, about 2 years ago, things were tough, but not like they are now. The house was not in foreclosure yet. My father did not yet have the thousands of dollars of lawyer's bills he has now. Things were much easier financially.
And yet....
The expenses of the wedding were enough to keep my parents from having a minute's rest. It was enough to send my father begging in ways that he would never have done, if he could have avoided it. It was enough for us to accept some tzedakah in the most demeaning ways you can imagine.
And...
My sister had savings. When she gave presents to her chosson, it wasn't a gift from my parents. It came from her savings. The shadchan was paid for from her savings. Her gown, from a gemach, needed alterations, which were naturally paid for out of her savings. I don't have savings.
So...
The one feeling that really stands out, from everything is guilt. How can I do this to my family? How can I throw my parents into this emotional turmoil? And while the doctors say that they don't really know what caused my father to get sick and need hospitalization at that point, I don't really wonder.
Now...
I dream too...
I dream of things that seem impossible to me.
I dream to be a happy kallah, escorted down the to the chuppa in the arms of two healthy, happy, and calm parents. I dream of simcha that won't be marred by worries, tensions and anxieties. I dream of being able to get married without feeling sick to my stomach knowing that I have caused pain to my parents. I dream of being able to get married, move on, and not have to worry about my family having nothing to eat...

But for now...I will just dream.