When I started this blog, I hadn't cried in over a year. I knew it was bad, but I couldn't handle the emotions. There was too much pain going on, and I couldn't. I stopped allowing myself to feel things. I began dealing with life on an intillectual level, yet in an emotionally detached state.
Recognizing this was a problem, I set out to change my way of coping. I began to reach out to others. I began writing more. I started a blog. And it worked. I started to feel emotion again.
And I am not sure I like it.
I am falling from the weight of everything. I don't know if it the weight of everything in the last year falling on me at once, or if it just a few things going on in my life that are rough right now, but either way....I am not managing. I built up this shell around me that was so strong, so protective, I could withstand everything...without me feeling anything. People could barely get a reaction out of me. And now?
Now I am ready to cry over everything! I am ready to cry at the slightest disagreement, whereas a huge fight in the old days wouldn't get to me. I am ready to cry at the slightest disappointment, whereas the hugest letdown didn't used to get to me.
So now I ask you...(hopefully there are those wiser than me reading this, because I am at a loss)
Is there a point? Can I hide behind a mask forever? Must I let myself feel? Is there a middle ground? If so, how do I reach it? Do I first have to get past all of this pain that I have buried? What if I don't want to? How can I chanel this pain? How can I move past it all? Can I just pick up and move on? Advice anyone? How does one learn to cope? How does one separate the "I wants" from the "I haves"? How does one learn to deal with disappointments? With nastiness? With discord and strife? How does one deal with all this, feel all this, and emerge with a smile on their face?
Please, I am reaching out to anyone who may be reading this...I need help, advice...I am at a loss? Should I go back into my shell?
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Wow... you asked good questions, but I cannot answer all of them. Some I don't know the answer to. Some I am not wise enough to answer.
But I will tell you this: When you put up walls and prevent yourself from feeling, the feeling is still there. It just builds up and builds up until it all spills out. The longer you let it accumulate, the harder it will pour out.
So now, what you have to do is let it all out. It will probably be painful, but it's what you need to do to get on. If you try to stuff it back in, it will just make you feel worse in the long run, maybe even C"V make things worse for you. So you definitely need to get all the accumulated shmutz out of your system.
The good thing is, you don't have to let this pile-up happen again. Instead of stuffing stuff into the back of the closet, you can work things out as they come into your life from now on.
Do that big closet clean now (trust me--i'm in middle of my own), and then from now on, deal with things maturely and responsibly from now forward.
All this may sound harsh and cold, but I speak it from the heart. I know it to be true cuz I've been there. More times than I can count. And I can assure you that once you do the process, you will not regret it for a second. Yes, the going will be rough and painful, but i assure you it's less painful in the long run and will make your life so much more of an amazing place.
You owe it to yourself.
Corner point, thanks so so much for your reply. I hear you, but my question is twofold,
Firstly, is it possible to teach yourself not to feel pain? Can't I learn to be less emotional?
And if I can't, and the pain is indeed there, can't I keep it under wraps forever? (Ok, I know that sounded very immature of me, but I am trying to push it off blindly. I don't know where I am pushing it to, or when I am pushing it till, but- just pushing!)
And I don't think this accumulated "shmutz" is out of my system. I have been on the verge of tears for weeks, but not cried properly even once. I can't. I am simply afraid of crying. I have been wearing a mask, so that nobody in my REAL LIFE has a clue what is going on inside, but inside...I am exploding. I feel like it is a soda bottle that is exploding from the gas, so I am quickly trying to put the cover back on before it all spills out.
So how do I clean out my closet? There is so much junk buried in the deep recesses of the closet...more than even I know about. And I don't know what to do with it as it comes out.
What corner point said is very true. Think about it. You don't want to push everything back into the closest without organizing it first. The reason you started feeling now is probably because people started helping you pull things out of the "closet". Believe me, if you try to shove everything back in now, one day everything will come spilling out again.
Try to take apart the big things that are bothering you, and see if you can feel them, cry over them and tackle them. Step by step, just see what you can get out of the way. Reach out to people that offer their help. And just keep praying cuz there is a Father up there that loves you more than anything in the world and He can change everything in the blink of an eye.
Not sure how much of this helps...but hope things get better for you really soon.
i say go in your car, park somewhere quiet, and cry your heart out.
and then play that speech from r' yagen.
trust me. i've tried it (just with a different speech.
will it help for all time?
NO.
but neither will bottling it, especially if you're itching to let it out.
But what if I don't want to feel this? Every night, when I am left in the security of my own room, and I can be myself, I fight back tears. I can't go on this way.
Dreamer, it doesn't work like that. I used to be able to do that. Now.....I definitely can't cry on demand. And I probably wouldn't let myself.
You don't have to cry on demand if you feel like you can't (most of us can't).
Just when you feel like crying, don't fight it. Indulge in it. It's good for you...stop resisting your feelings and emotions so much.
But halfshared, I don't want to. I am fighting it back because it hurts and I can't deal with the pain. You say I am strong? Hah! I am a weakling!
I know it hurts. But you need to do it.
You're not weak. You're just scared and that's very understandable. But take it from a person that's BTDT, not feeling and not sharing and just keeping everything inside is much, much worse.
Dunno Halfshared, I am leaning towards going back into my shell. I can't do everything I do and feel all this. :( I know it's not good but I am halfway back already....
IMHO, you can't push yourself either way all at once. You can let yourself feel a little, then spend some time in your shell again, then take some little steps out again... Maybe soon you'll find the balance that works for you. Or maybe you'll keep going back and forth for a while. Either way is OK; you just need to do what works for you.
I think you really do need to let yourself feel. But that doesn't mean you have to let that change your life all at once and spend all day in agony. You can deal with the pain when it comes and then stuff it away somewhere when you have to go out and face the world. Your defense mechanisms will still be there for you when you need them, even as you learn to get past them.
Don't know if I'm making any sense here, but at least have some e-hugs...
(((^_^)))
Bas Melech, that's what I'm doing now. Coping all day and 'feeling' all night. Problem is, I don't sleep. Which is tough when you work 12 hours then come home and cook supper then clean the house and shop for groceries..... That might be part of the reason I can't get out if this rut. I'm overtired and did I mention I'm sick?
I'm a strrrronnggg believer of being 100% in touch with your emotions and letting yourself feel every moment to its fullest...
No matter how it appears to others
Just from personal experience. I never cried as a child/teenager. When I did move away from home, and had some space to feel my emotions, I had a few uncontrollable crying fits that scared the people I was with at school, and lasted a couple of hours each. The next year I had on and off feelings of my emotions, and by the time I was 22, I could cry, be happy, be mad, etc... But it did take a good year of me crying much longer than is usual about many things that were sad or upset me. Then it evened out. Anger was also hard to express, and I would get overly angry about things for a while, even if I didn't act on it. That passed too. This is not a diagnosis or anything, just sharing some personal experience from someone who came from an emotionally repressed family, and went through some depressing times. Be brave please and you sound like you're doing great under the circumstances!
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